T Time: No Bread and Discuses

From working as an editor in the UK, to taking charge of a Hong Kong magazine, industry journalist Tony Murray has formed innumerable opinions. Interested to hear a few we invited him to share his thoughts via a regular guest blog. Use the comments form below if you have any feedback or written bile to spit as a result, and please remember; if you don’t like it, he doesn’t work for us…

When the great Roman Empire, the template for all future consumer societies, faced terminal decline, it had two distinct offerings designed to ward off widespread chaos. Bread. And circuses.

With a distinct lack of bread available, unless you work for a bank or can reliably kick a ball between two sticks most Saturdays, the emphasis in the Britain of 2012 has clearly been on circuses. Fortunately, we’ve been blessed with two huge pleb-enthralling spectacles in recent months – the Diamond Jubilee and the Olympics.

Thanks to Cliff Richard being specially de-frosted to sing before the Monarch and the Thames briefly – and for the first time since the last Elizabethan age – being home to more boats than old cans of Fosters and used prophylactics, the summer started well. With the Old Spices precariously balanced on taxis and the UK gaining more gold in two-weeks than even a mid-level stockbroker, it ended quite impressively too.

What now though? With a summer of sport and sycophancy behind us, how is the populace to be distracted from nurse-less hospitals and teacher-less schools for the remainder of the year? Fortunately, the third-in-line to the throne selflessly came to the rescue.

It is believed that the decision to waggle the young royal’s personal crown jewels right across the internet came directly from Number 10. It proved so popular that Downing Street instantly decreed that Princess Kate should get her baps out on the internet and in Closer magazine (other Gallic opportunistic porn mags are available). This saved a lot of time. Diana, her predecessor as Princess of Hearts, should have followed the same policy, rather than seemingly setting out to expose her royal chestiness to every blue-veined male on an individual basis. Probably alphabetically.

Flushed with the success of these twin royal raunchy reveals, it is believed that the Con-Doms have a number of treats in store to while away the chillier months.

In October, government scientists will announce a breakthrough in cloning technology. This will see them able to replicate multiple Take Thats at will. Fortunately, due to government cut backs in science funding, these cloned musicians – branded Fake That by a wag at The Sun – are only three inches high. To keep things in scale, Jason Orange is only two inches tall. By November, Government plans will see a Fake That playing in every municipal park, entertaining everyone with 20/20 vision or a big magnifying glass.

In December, an assembled group of Fake Thats secure the coveted Xmas No 1 with a novelty cover version of It Only Takes a Minute Girl. The novelty being, of course, that “Minute” is pronounced “My-Newt”. Celebrations are spoilt by the news that the Robbie Williams of the Fake That based in Egerton Park has left the group. Sadly, his ambitions to launch a solo career are frustrated when he is eaten by a big dog.

Find all this a trifle incredible? Unlikely even? Nick Clegg is currently trying to convince his party that he didn’t mean to make them history when he signed up for his lovely, embossed “Deputy Prime Minister” business card and, come January, it’s bankers bonus season again. Now that really is fucking unbelievable.

Tony Murray is Managing Editor of Gafencu Men in Hong Kong. He was previously editor of Adline and group managing editor of the Carnyx Group, publishers of The Drum and former publishers of The Marketeer. You can contact him at tonymurray37ATgmailDOTcom

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